When “I Can’t” Really Means “This Feels Too Hard”
Guidance from Hillside Social Worker Dena Glazer on helping children work through frustration and build confidence at home
When a child says, “I can’t do this,” it can be tempting to immediately respond, “Yes, you can.”
But Hillside’s Social Worker Dena Glazer encourages families to look a little deeper. Sometimes “I can’t” means I’m overwhelmed. I don’t know where to start. I’m frustrated. I’m afraid I won’t succeed.
Helping children recognize and work through those feelings can be an important part of building confidence.
Start With Validation
Before trying to solve the problem, start by acknowledging how the child feels.
Dena suggests something as simple as, “This feels impossible right now. I believe you.”
“We want our students to trust themselves,” she explains, “and they can’t do that if they are told by adults around them that what they feel isn’t true.”
Validation doesn’t mean agreeing that the child can’t do something. It simply communicates: I understand that this feels really hard right now.
Regulate Before Problem-Solving
When emotions are high, jumping immediately back into a difficult task may not be productive.
“Someone in a heightened state will struggle to complete work that feels challenging,” Dena explains.
A short break, movement, quiet time, or another familiar strategy can help a child get to a place where they are ready to think through the problem.
The goal isn’t to avoid the challenge. It’s to become ready to approach it.
Ask What Feels Hard
Once a child is calmer, get curious.
“What about this feels impossible, hard, or difficult?”
“Sometimes what we assume is causing the challenge, isn’t,” Dena says.
If a child has trouble explaining, adults can gently offer possibilities: “I wonder if seeing all of the steps at once feels overwhelming?”
Learning to identify what feels difficult can eventually help children understand themselves better and advocate for what they need.
Build Confidence Through Small Successes
Confidence often grows one manageable step at a time.
Start with one part. Try one strategy. Ask for help. Take a break and come back.
“Sometimes the thing that creates confidence isn’t necessarily nailing the task,” Dena explains, “but successfully asking for help or utilizing strategies to cope with big feelings while completing the task.”
Success doesn’t always mean getting the answer right. Sometimes using a strategy is the success.
Notice Persistence Everywhere
Children also need opportunities to recognize that they already know how to work through challenges.
“Model overcoming challenges yourself,” Dena recommends. “Model self-talk and strategy use as ways to move through difficult moments.”
That can be as simple as saying, “That didn’t work. I’m going to try another way.”
And persistence doesn’t only happen during schoolwork. Notice it when children practice a sport, create art, learn music, build something, play a game, navigate a friendship, or work toward something they care about.
“Celebrate all successes — big and small, in and outside of school — so students begin to see how they are persistent in various ways.”
Help Children See Their Strengths
When a child is struggling academically, it can be easy for that struggle to become part of how they see themselves. Helping children recognize their strengths outside of academics can begin to change that picture.
A child may be creative, athletic, musical, thoughtful, empathetic, observant, a strong communicator, a natural problem-solver, or someone who learns best by doing.
At Hillside, students explore the idea that intelligence and strengths can show up in many different ways. One framework that can help start this conversation is psychologist Howard Gardner’s Theory of Multiple Intelligences, which describes different areas of strength, including linguistic, logical-mathematical, spatial, musical, bodily-kinesthetic, interpersonal, intrapersonal, and naturalistic abilities.
The goal isn’t to place a child into one category, but to help them recognize that one difficult subject or assignment does not define what they are capable of doing.
Noticing those strengths can give children something important to carry into harder moments: I may struggle with this, but I know there are things I am good at — and I can learn.
Help Them See Their Strengths
Academic performance is only one part of who a child is.
A child may be creative, athletic, thoughtful, artistic, musical, empathetic, observant, a natural problem-solver, or deeply knowledgeable about something they love.
Helping children recognize those strengths gives them another way to understand themselves — especially when something academic feels difficult.
From “I Can’t” to “I Know What I Can Try”
Building confidence doesn’t mean making everything easy or removing every challenge.
It means helping children discover that when something feels hard, they have options.
They can pause. Ask for help. Take a break. Try a strategy. Break the problem into smaller pieces. And try again.
With repeated experiences of working through difficult moments, “I can’t do this” can gradually become:
“This feels hard, but I know what I can try next.”
Resources for Families
Understanding Frustration & Resilience
Dr. Becky Kennedy — The Learning Space Is Key to Building Resilience
Explore The Learning Space
Grit & Perseverance
Angela Duckworth — Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance
Watch the TED Talk
Safety & Belonging
Learn more about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and the role of safety and belonging in growth and learning.
Explore Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
Recognizing Different Strengths
Explore Howard Gardner’s Theory of Multiple Intelligences and the idea that intelligence can be expressed in different ways.
Explore Multiple Intelligences — Harvard Graduate School of Education and American Institute for Learning and Human Development
